on want

It could be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard. Lovin' you is like a battle, and we both end up with scars.- Lauryn Hill (Ex-Factor)
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I wanted you here next year so badly-

I thought it would be perfect. God, how nice would it be to get to see you every single day? To get to travel with you- to know that you'd be at the same tournaments as me because we're on the same team. To not have to strike you as a judge because you're my boyfriend- but because you're also my coach. It was what I wanted so much. I think our relationship died when we talked on the phone and you mentioned that you'd emailed the head coach here, and he said there wasn't an opening for an assistant. You wouldn't be in Missouri next year- you wouldn't be with me.

Then there was yesterday. And as I finish registering for school for next year and I'm checking out what's new in the debate world, I see that post

"Graduate Assistant Spot Open at Missouri State"

My heart dropped, and of course I thought about you first and foremost. Wouldn't it be amazing? Wouldn't it be great if you applied, and got the spot, and I got to have you here next year, after all?

But what about now? What about where we're left? Can we ever recover from this? Could I ever actually be with you again? And do you even still want to come here- now that we're done?

Confirmation says you're considering applying. I want to be happy- but I'm afraid if I am, that i'll get let down again by you not applying, or you not getting that spot.

And really what it comes down to- is what I realized before-

you can't take back what you've said.

I can't take back my tears, I can't take back yours- or those weird silences, or our attempts at understanding via email. I can't take back my jealousy, I can't take back the last two weeks I've tried to move on.

It's this sad realization that I don't know what I want- I want you to be something you can't be, I want assurance that I have some worth- and for some reason the only assurance I ever knew was you wanting me, too.

And now that you don't, I'm kind of at a loss for what I REALLY do want.

Tricky.