on a kiss for good luck

I tried to tell you before I left, But I was screaming under my breath, You are the only thing that makes sense, Just ignore all this present tense.- Snow Patrol (It's Beginning to Get to Me)

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A little yellow pinball is shoved in front my face, inches from my nose, dripping with water. If I was anywhere else I might think it’s weird, but here it’s really not all that unheard of.

Kiss it for good luck.

My eyes travel upwards, to find the face to match the voice. I haven’t even been at Stu’s house for two minutes, and I’m overwhelmed. Why did I think it was a good idea to come? They told me I was the statue of liberty. The statue of fucking liberty of Thirsty Thursday. What a joke. An image of me holding a flame up in one hand, clutching a book in the other is all I can see- or maybe it should be a shot glass in one hand, and a bottle of rum resting in the other? Anything to get me to a party- coax me out- and of course it worked. I make the trek to Stu’s house and get drunk and do the things I could just as easily do sober, but are easier to overcome with the excuse of drinking. Stupid- really- but, I mean, who doesn’t go out and have fun when they’re in college? Fuck, college.

I have class at nine the next morning and it’s almost one, and I’ve only just gotten here. While the beer pong is played and the shots are taken, I’m just waiting for the right time to make an exit. Exit, I’ve just arrived and I’m ready to go. I can’t believe I convinced myself taking a class before eleven was ever a good idea- its not- and I’ll have to remember that next semester when I register. Registration- that’s coming up soon, isn’t it? Maybe another month- I can’t be sure- I’ll have to take a science class. I’ve avoided science classes; my worst subject. I don’t really think I’m bad at science, I just don’t care. And there’s a difference- however miniscule to the teacher giving me that stupid C on a Chemistry test, a D- in the class over all. I’m a C student disguised by a presence on the Dean’s List and once I take science I’m pretty sure I’ll be found out. I’m not smart, I just fake it.

Science brings me back to Stu’s. He’s a radiography major, radiology, something like that, I think. I’ll stick to communications- it’s all I know. What a curse, what a joke! All it means is that I overanalyze everything that anyone ever says to me. The statue of liberty. Fuck. I can’t get it out of my head. They made me a symbol and I’m not a symbol, I’m just trying to have a good time and survive the social part of life. Wasn’t it Michelle who told me I’m so great at this? I have to hide my smile every time she comes to me. Like I know what’s going on. I just maintain control. It’s all I’ve got. Keep it together and you’ll never lose. I’m a risk taker that doesn’t take risks, there’s something to contemplate- why do I always go back to that? I can’t get him out of my head. Roy is the past, and the present is in front of me.

Kiso. An odd name for an odd guy and a smile creeps back onto my face.

I’m his good luck charm, so he says- I guess I just proved myself. And I’m back to the symbol. So am I a statue or a charm? Maybe I could be both: a statute whose presence evokes charm? What a joke. I’m no charm and I’m definitely no statue. It’s smothering. Boxing me into this idea of what everyone expects. I can take eight shots in eight minutes and they think that’s some sort of feat. Allow me to waste my life being the symbol for Thirsty Thursday, please. This is just a stopping point. None of this is anything- it’s a joke- I’m only here to keep the appearance up. Let them have their symbol- let me be that symbol, fine. But it isn’t me and it never was me.

Class at nine, it’s almost one, I’ll probably sleep until 8:45, roll out of bed and cross the street. I knew there was a reason I picked my apartment where I ended up. I shouldn’t have even come- but fuck it. I’m here so I might as well have a good time. I grab a bottle from the counter and take a drink, as I turn to the ball that is still outstretched in Kiso’s hand- why not?

Smiling,

I kiss the ball for luck.