on inspiration

Where'd all the good people go? I've been changing channels I don't see them on the tv show.- Jack Johnson (Good People)
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I feel uninspired these days.

Where are you, my knight and shining armor? Where's my happy ending, my chance to have something real to feel?

And really- where's my heartache, my broken state, my empty promises from a pretty boy who's only using me?

It says fast-forward, not rewind.

I smile at the card that's been given to me by a friend I never knew was so there for me. My heart's been ripped open and I don't feel like it's something I want to experiance again, but this silly card, this caring friend, has offered me some level of solice.

Everything happens for a reason. You'll just grow from all the bad that's happened,

she adds.

My inspiration-

my heartache always gives me a good reason to write. With no heartache, no love, I have nothing to write. I've got some serious writer's block going on.

I need emotion, I need feeling, I need inspiration- I need something, anything,

to get me back where I want to be.

on being broken

Could you let down your hair and be transparent for awhile, just a little while? To see if you're human after all. - Lifehouse (Trying)
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I want to write a story-

I want to paint you a picture.

I want a way to tell you what I'm trying to say, without just coming out and saying it. I'm such a wreck, really. But it's not because of you- don't give yourself too much credit, I was broken when you found me. I was a disheartened girl looking for a good time-

I want to hook up with him tonight.

I remember pointing across the room as I spoke to a friend. He laughed at me,

What is this like a list, that you just check people off of?

I laughed,

Basically. So see what you can do-

A few drinks later as I flirt with random boy X, he approaches me, grabbing my arm.

Look, I don't think you really want that guy. He's kind of odd. But I know someone else-

He walks me across the room into the lobby where I see you standing drunk, talking with another girl. I am shoved in front of you a minute later and smile embarressed. I'm just looking for a good time, I tell myself. I don't know the chronological order of events- but you end up in my hotel room, while I down more shots of vodka. I feel queasy and set the bottle down.

I think I should stop-

I say as I collapse onto my bed next to you. I am sad to say I can't remember our first kiss, because I was drunk and wanting action, and didn't consider that you might actually like me. As we pulled away for a moment, you looked at me.

I've liked you since you asked for cites at Northwestern-

You blurt it out, and I'm stunned. I don't remember much of the first night I met you, but I remember looking into your eyes- and feeling okay with the world. I couldn't find words to tell you I appreciated what you said, so I just kissed you again. I never told you that you weren't what I set out to find that night, and you never asked. It was easier to pretend you were all I ever wanted.

Broken girls like me need more then a quick fix though, and you, dear, are not the remedy i'm searching for, after all.
Will I ever find my cure?

on hot girls

I don't, don't really know what I'm doing , But you seem to have a plan My will and self restraint have come to fail now, fail now , See, I am doing what I can, but I can't so you know that's a bit too hard to explain- Shakira (Hips Don't Lie)
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I hurt my hand, will you kiss it to make it better?

The boy in front of me holds his hand out. And I smirk.

I think I need more to drink-

is the only response he gets from me. I hop off the stool I have been sitting on and go to take another shot of parrot bay. As I take the shot I look at him, defiantely maybe, or maybe because I know where more drinking will lead tonight. I break my stare and turn to laugh and talk to a friend. No need to let him know it will be so easy so early.

Hey hot girl, do you have a boyfriend?

I've stumbled out onto the balcony, that currently houses a boy I met maybe an hour ago who's coined me "hot girl" and the guy I can't seem to stay away from. I giggle as I struggle to shut the sliding glass door.

No, no boyfriend-

I'd love to lie right now and tell him I am seeing someone, and to stay away from me; but I'm not a good liar sober, and it turns out I'm not any better when I'm drunk.

Stimpy or Stingy or whatever the hell his name is leers at me from across the balcony-

Excellent. I'll probably hit on you the rest of the night.

His straightforwardness is not a turn on, and neither is his drunken demeanor. Come to think of it, I doubt there's a world in which I'd get along with or ever find Stinky attractive.

She's lying. She's dating me, 4 years now.

I whirl to look at the boy I'm now standing close to as a result of inching further from Stampy. I half heartedly smile at him. He's my one night relationship boy. We can't acknowledge eachothers existance sober on a random day. The right amount of alcohol, and we can't get enough of each other. You would think I'd learn, but I don't.

That's too bad man, I was definitely going to-

I don't let Smitty finish because I walk off the balcony inside.

I know it'll happen before the night is over, I'm too weak to walk away- but at least now, at least now I can walk away, and feel like i'm doing the right thing. But I know that's not how the night will end.