Thursday, August 21, 2008

on my heart

Let's pretend, it's a work of art. Let's pretend, it's not my heart.- The Magnetic Fields (I'm Sorry I Love You)
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He grabs my hand, cupping it in his own as we stumble along the broken cement of a run down sidewalk. I want to pull away as much I want to hold on, and as he turns around to smile at me I realize just how lost I really am.

Wait,

I say it not because I have any reason to stop walking, but because I need a second to clear my head- any moment of time to help me figure it all out.

He leans down to kiss me and I give in even though I know my heart will hurt again tomorrow.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

on boys and bars and thursday nights.

You say that my skin feels like no one else's, That it's different somehow. But I don't understand, isn't a hand just a hand?- Ingrid Michaelson (Masochist)
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I sit across from him at a bar on a thursday night, and sip my vodka cranberry, wishing things didn't feel quite so awkward.

So you're ready to start teaching?

I try to create conversation, but it becomes more of a question and answer period:

yeah, I guess.

What are you teaching?

Political Communications.

Oh. That sounds fun.

yeah, I guess.

A prolonged silence- I down the rest of my beverage, smiling weakly,

Do you need another?

He nods in response, and I welcome my walk away from our table and up to the bar.

Two more,

I tell the bartender, looking around at how empty the place is.

Is it always like this on a thursday night?

He shrugs in response as he pours the beer and mixes my drink. The guy sitting at the bar beside me smiles at me, a big open smile that would be welcoming if he didn't look so awkward-

You're too pretty to be here by yourself,

And I raise an eyebrow, wondering if he actually thinks I'd be ordering two drinks for myself.

I'm not alone,

I motion back towards the table where he sits fiddling with his phone, and I can't help feeling the words are ironic, I might as well be alone.

Lucky man,

The guy laments as I walk away, careful not to spill beer on my feet, I slide into the booth to tell him about the guy at bar.

He looks back at him,

Yeah. He's always in here. Hits on everyone.

I don't know why his response bugs me, but it does, and we lapse into another silent period-

I'm so over this.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

on something more.

"It's late in the evening, we should be sleeping right about now. I can hear you breathing, I wonder what you're thinking, right about now. You're eyes are fixed on me, you say I look lonely right about now. I said that lonely is an island I stayed a couple nights on, but never with you."- The Sound and the Fury (Valentines Present)
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Can I tell you something dumb?

He leans in closer after he orders another round of shots at the bar. I smile lightly and nod, as he continues-

I thought we were going to go home together last night.

His boldness surprises me almost as much as the words do as I try to wrap my head around it, knowing it's not the way this should all be headed but giddy none the less.

I didn't know that's what you wanted,

I lament, as I clink my shot glass to his and down it in a single gulp.

He looks at me as he wraps his arm around my waist, lightly kissing me on the forehead.

I sigh not from the gesture, but because I know how lonely it will feel the next day when it's all over again.