on being broken

Could you let down your hair and be transparent for awhile, just a little while? To see if you're human after all. - Lifehouse (Trying)
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I want to write a story-

I want to paint you a picture.

I want a way to tell you what I'm trying to say, without just coming out and saying it. I'm such a wreck, really. But it's not because of you- don't give yourself too much credit, I was broken when you found me. I was a disheartened girl looking for a good time-

I want to hook up with him tonight.

I remember pointing across the room as I spoke to a friend. He laughed at me,

What is this like a list, that you just check people off of?

I laughed,

Basically. So see what you can do-

A few drinks later as I flirt with random boy X, he approaches me, grabbing my arm.

Look, I don't think you really want that guy. He's kind of odd. But I know someone else-

He walks me across the room into the lobby where I see you standing drunk, talking with another girl. I am shoved in front of you a minute later and smile embarressed. I'm just looking for a good time, I tell myself. I don't know the chronological order of events- but you end up in my hotel room, while I down more shots of vodka. I feel queasy and set the bottle down.

I think I should stop-

I say as I collapse onto my bed next to you. I am sad to say I can't remember our first kiss, because I was drunk and wanting action, and didn't consider that you might actually like me. As we pulled away for a moment, you looked at me.

I've liked you since you asked for cites at Northwestern-

You blurt it out, and I'm stunned. I don't remember much of the first night I met you, but I remember looking into your eyes- and feeling okay with the world. I couldn't find words to tell you I appreciated what you said, so I just kissed you again. I never told you that you weren't what I set out to find that night, and you never asked. It was easier to pretend you were all I ever wanted.

Broken girls like me need more then a quick fix though, and you, dear, are not the remedy i'm searching for, after all.
Will I ever find my cure?