on #433

Believe me Natalie, listen Natalie, listen, this is your last chance- The Killers (Believe Me Natalie)
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I'm standing in the isle, the choices for colors surrounding me.

Add more blonde?

What about red?

I could always just be a brunette, again.

Feria, Herbal Essence, Garnier, Clairol, choices, choices. I need a change, and I need it now. I need to be noticed- I need something different, and this stupid bottle for 9.99 is the easiest quick fix I know of. I grab a shade that's numbered 433, and go to the counter. The lady smiles at me-

Going darker?

I smile back as I pull money out to pay her.

Just back to my natural color.

She wishes me luck and a good day, as I dart out the door.

A few hours later I'm fidgeting on the floor as my sister pushes the dye through my hair. It's being stubborn and she's afraid I'll end up with spots of blonde. My left leg has fallen asleep, i'm uncomfortable and I want the day to end. I woke up early this morning and couldn't get myself to get out of bed. I feel like nothing is ever going to be the same again- and I don't want that. I don't want the change, I don't want different, I was comfortable, happy, and normal. Is that too much to ask.

Wendy finishes up and tells me I have thirty minutes to waste. She heads to walmart, and I start to work on my paper for school. The semester is drawing to an end, and I'm ready and not ready all at once. I need time to breathe. I can't wait for Michigan. Time away from here, from every day. The thirty minutes is up before I know it.

I get in the shower and as the hot water pours over my hair the water at my feet is the deepest brown I've ever seen for water. It feels like my hair will never wash clear, and it finally does. I towel dry it, and force a smile at my reflection in the mirror. Sometimes you have to force change, because it's coming anyway.