on drunken lies and smiles

Its hard to argue when you won't stop making sense but my tongue still misbehaves and keeps digging my own grave.- Snow Patrol (Hands Open)
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I sip my malibu and orange juice and for just one split second I feel right, I cross my legs as I slide my arm behind my chair, smiling.

It's the kind of night that fits-

I am with friends, with people I like, with everyone who matters.

But then he ruins it.

He makes up lies and I try to quell them-

to no avail.

Suddenly that split second feels like a million years ago-

I can't really be here, I can't really be listening to this -these eyes can't all be on me- and why did I decide to wear such a low cut top tonight? Why did I do my hair? Do I have too much blush on? I feel flushed-

I need air.

I need to breathe.

I need to believe that you aren't judging me because I am a girl who likes to dress provocatively slip on a cute pair of heels go out with friends, smile, flirt, and talk about anything from religion to music to life.

It's who I am.

He shakes his head at me-

You don't really believe that, do you?

I am desperate for approval. To know he isn't like everyone else.

He shrugs-

who am I to judge?

My heart splinters just a little,

Look at me.

His eyes flit over me, never coming to rest.

You know me better than that.

He won't look me in the eye.

You're a disappointment.

I say the words, not out of spite, but because they are truthful.

He mumbles something, and I lean in close for him to repeat it-

I don't understand.

I look at him, I still don't get it.

I don't get disappointment.

His breath is warm against the side of my face as I pull away from the whispered words.

I smile half heartedly and walk away.

I won't let you be the one to break my heart,

not again.