on shaking

Is it still me that makes you sweat? Am I who you think about in bed? When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress? Then think of what you did, And how I hope to God he was worth it.- Panic! at the Disco (Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off)
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You're so good at flirting with guys.

I laugh, somewhat uncomfortable at this proclamation. Me? Good? Right.

I just like to control things-

I finally tell the cute blonde in front of me. She's adorable, and I don't know why on earth she thinks I know what's going on.

I just wish I knew what to do about Max-

I cringe when she says this, even though I know she isn't talking about my Max. My Max isn't mine, and hasn't been for... well, ever. But he's the only Max I ever knew. Association is a bitch. I take in a breath though, and let it out slow.

This isn't about the demons in my closet not vanquished, this is about the heart breaking in front of me. Can I mend it?

He's just using me? Isn't he? Be honest.

The pout on her face makes me sad, what a buzz kill. I set my drink down on a near by speaker, and grab her shoulders. Honesty is a bitch.

Maybe is he. But only because you're letting him. You want to fix this situation? Take control.

What do you-

Look, I'm not good at flirting. But I'm good at being in control. If you think he's out for one thing, don't give him that one thing. Just walk away.

She doesn't seem to like my advice, as we walk over to the bathroom. I look in the mirror, as I fix my hair meticulously and continue to talk to her as she freshens up.

Once I liked a guy. He acted like he wanted me too- and then just when I was supposed to go visit him, he said he just wanted to be my friend.

I'm sorry-

she cuts in.

No worries,

I say smoothly as I smooth lip gloss over my lips and stare at my reflection.

It's just one of those things that happen. But I couldn't very well let people think that it was me that had been rejected, what's that do for a reputation? So I still went to visit, still went to the party that I knew he'd be at. And I made myself look great. I mean, better then great. I spent at least an hour making myself look better then he'd ever seen me. It worked like a charm, he couldn't stay away from me-

So things worked out?

She looks so eager, I hate to crush her.

Not exactly. I had him right where I wanted him. I let him take my back to his place, and just when things started to get hot- my phone rang. Right on que.

I mimic picking up my phone,

Hey! I'm kind of busy right now.... oh, no I'm not with him.... no, sure, I'll see you back home tomorrow. Click.

Her eyes widen, as she covers her mouth to keep from laughing.

I hung up the phone. I yawned. I said I was tired, I went to sleep. The next day he drove me back to my friends, and as I got out of the car I was completely nonchalant. I guess I'll see you around. The end.

I turn away from the mirror to look at the sweet blonde.

You can make any situation look good if you just control it.

I could never do that. You're commanding, I fumble even when I think about trying to flirt with a guy.

My heart goes out to her, and I give her a hug.

You'll figure things out,

I say quietly.

My methods aren't that great. They're just what I do to get by- if you never give yourself the chance, you'll never get hurt.

I think quietly to myself the rest-

And if you never give yourself the chance, you'll never find love.

My hand shakes as I retrieve my drink from the speaker, and take a sip.

Where did I go wrong?