on loving and losing

"It wouldn't have worked out, anyway."- Ben Harper (Another Lonely Day)
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Was he so naive to think I invited him over to my apartment at 3am to be my new best friend?

I snap out the comment as I take a sip of my fuzzy navel and ponder my existance. Fuck.

Okay, it's not a funny situation, but that's a sassy comment,

my friend replies as he leans back against his wall.

It is 3 in the afternoon, i'm drinking a fuzzy navel, he's drinking a gin and tonic and we're sitting on the floor of his almost empty apartment and I wish I could understand what's going on right now.

I don't know how to love.

I don't know how to care, how to be close to someone, how to cherish the silence, how to hold someone and feel like everything is okay. I don't know how to let go- I don't know how to give up, I don't know how to walk away, and I don't know how to approach, either. I don't know a lot, and that terrifies me.

Have I ever loved? I mean really honestly truly deep in my heart through the veins in my body cared for another soul so much it ripped my heart open to lose them?

Maybe. I think deep down I convinced myself I did- but I wouldn't really allow myself to feel.

Wouldn't let myself feel the love, the glow of another, to feel loss, to hurt, to cry, to feel betrayed, to feel alone and thrown out like there's nothing there.

I'm so good at playing people- smiling and toying and being what they want me to be- but what about what I want? what about who I am? what about the 34095485 other things that matter, too?

As I grow up I start to realize i've never loved, and i've never lost- I've never given myself the chance too.

I'm too cynical, for my own good.