on the chase

looking for a love that's right for me, I don't know how long it's going to be, I hope I treat her fine, I hope I don't mess with her mind, when she starts to see the darker side of me.- Jeff Tweedy (Looking For a Love)

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To not letting them ruin my chances,

I hear the glass clinking of my shot glass to the other two as I down the awful raspberry flavored vodka and grab my coke to wash it down. I hate alcohol.

I've decided tonight that I'm not going to give up easily on a charming boy,

and this may not be the best move i've ever made but nonetheless the combination of me and other persuasive powers convinces him that coming over to a lively house at 3am is-

a good idea?

The evening progresses almost too easily for me;

It's like a game anymore.

I know exactly how it will go.

I will smile friendly. Joke, ask them to enjoy a drink with me- show that i'm capable of holding my own against guys. I'll flirt a little- let him see my tattoo on my shoulder- gets them every time-I'll play coy, standing closer- and before I know it there's loud music around me, and this huge sectional couch that i'm sitting on has plenty of room but me and the charming boy are sitting dangerously close.

Nothing happens- and I know that it won't. We talk and sit close into the early hours of the morning,

and being close to you is nice-

but the reservations are all around us.

Her,

you.

Me,

him.

And then I have the realization I didn't know before now:

I'm scared.

I'm terrified beyond belief of having my heart cracked open again. I'm afraid that if I let someone in, like I let Max in, that they will toy with me and leave me alone and even more broken then they found me. I'm so nervous that I'll be found out for what I am; a sad girl who just wants to be loved- but doesn't know how to love.

So meanwhile I smile, I tease, I flirt, and enjoy the thrill of the chase-

but when I catch what I'm after,

I'm not sure what I'll do.