on a choice

I had a choice so I threw you away.- The Chalets (Sexy Mistake)
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I think that when I see him, that it will be like a punch in the gut to me. The last time I saw him- the yelling, the hurt, the anger, the tears that flowed for so many more hours than I ever thought possible- it was hard to walk away. I couldn't imagine walking back towards him, and none of those feelings would come tumbling back.

We walk into the bar and straight up to the bartender.

Whiskey and coke, two red headed sluts, and whatever she wants,

I say, motioning to my friend.

The bartender smiles as he starts to make the drinks,

Whats the occasion?

Just enjoying the night,

we respond.

We grab the shots, clinking them together-

To being hated.

Only then do I allow myself to turn around to see him at the table. And is it just me, or is there something less exciting about him then I remember? He looks plain, bland, not the guy a week earlier I was so certain meant so much to me.

I walk past, without looking him in the eye, and settle at the far end of the table. It remains this way for most of the night- this ease of just pretending that there is a point, a spot at the table that I don't look past,

and he no longer exists to me.

I made my choice.

on chance encounters

Come what may, I won't fade away, but I know I might change.- Kate Havnevik (Grace)
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What's your tattoo mean?

I notice his eyes first, a brilliant blue, hiding under the brim of a hat. I notice his wrist second- a tattoo- right where I have one.

He smiles,

It means God's Gift,

-a pause-

in Hebrew.

The words are almost too ironic for me, as my mind immediately flashes back to sitting in the lobby of a hotel in Dallas, and Roy telling me that my name meant "God's Gift" in Hebrew.

It turns out Roy said a lot of things that weren't true.

It's my name,

the boy in front of me explains,

I'm Jonathon.

I nod and force a smile, raising my own wrist to show the reason for the question.

What's it mean?

He asks, leaning towards me for a better look.

Patience,

I say,

and Tolerance.

I hadn't meant to go where I did, but as I engage in a conversation with Jonathon about tattoos, religion, Ireland, and life, I decide that maybe -just maybe- there are good people out there worth encountering after all.

on you and me (round two)

Crooked spin can't come to rest, I'm damaged, bad, at best.- Elliott Smith (Say Yes)
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When I'm around you,

I'm not me anymore.

I'm docile-quiet-innocent-sweet-nothing.

I see you, and suddenly, it's like I can't remember what it was I was doing, what I was thinking-who I am, because all I want is to be someone that you want.

But it isn't what I want.

The bar we're at is loud, the drinks frequent, the whiskey bitter as it pours down my throat. I try to be normal-nonchalant-I don't want to seem like I care. I hate the idea of being weak.

But it wouldn't matter anyway, because you don't care- you are hitting on the server, flirting with a girl you've invited over that apparently knows everyone but me, and I can't breathe anymore.

I can't stay here-

and I leave.

I leave, and I walk, and make it almost to my door before the tears start to fall,

it's been so long since I've cried,

so long since I even let myself care about anything-anyone-you.

I need you to leave,

and I need my life to go back to the quiet, simple, unquestioning existence I once had.

I need ME back, and you gone.

on knowing

Tell me something I don't know, instead of everything I do- and look at me is if I mean something to you.- Mary Chapin Carpenter (The Hard Way)
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I know you-

I know how you think, I know why you do what you do, I know that you're capable of a lot more than you let on, and I know that you didn't mean to hurt me-

But I also know you did, and no amount of drunken apologies, no amount of gazing into my eyes, and no amount of morning afters will ever make up for that.

I thought you were all I ever needed,

but now I know that I need a lot more than you could ever give me.

Now I know that I want someone who I don't have to make excuses for, I want someone I don't have to feel ashamed to be around, I want someone who wants me, and only me, and isn't going to make me cry more often then he makes me smile.

I want more,

and this is fun, this is easy- this is us.

But I'm just so done.

Goodbye.