on some things that never go away.

When I chose to live, there was no joy it's a line I crossed- it wasn't worth the pain my death would cost, so I was not lost or found.- Dar Williams (After All)
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It weighs on my mind lately-

how it all used to be.

How things used to make sense, how I used to feel like I meant something to someone and somewhere along the way it all just go lost, didn't it?

I remember you a lot lately.

Is it because it's almost that time of year? Or is just because you're near me now when I need you, just like you always seemed to be back then.

I remember how innocent we were: holding hands on a tattered couch while we talked about our plans for life- you wanted to skate, I wanted school. Different plans- but we never cared.

I remember how strong you could be when it came to the things that mattered: it's like you just got that no matter what all the stupid bullshit was going on in my life, it was just stupid bullshit that would pass.

So why wasn't I there to remind you of the same thing?

I lost you though- let you slip away from and what I understood about life and who I was and what I am (and are not) and when we met again, it wasn't awkward, wasn't different-

it was the same comfortable and oddly you, I'm only sorry that we didn't have more encounters like that over the next few years.

I want to find the most outrageous and beautiful flowers I can and take them to your grave, leave them there, and cry my eyes out for a little while as I think about what a waste life can be sometimes-

has it really been two years?