on my heart

Let's pretend, it's a work of art. Let's pretend, it's not my heart.- The Magnetic Fields (I'm Sorry I Love You)
_____________________________________

He grabs my hand, cupping it in his own as we stumble along the broken cement of a run down sidewalk. I want to pull away as much I want to hold on, and as he turns around to smile at me I realize just how lost I really am.

Wait,

I say it not because I have any reason to stop walking, but because I need a second to clear my head- any moment of time to help me figure it all out.

He leans down to kiss me and I give in even though I know my heart will hurt again tomorrow.

on boys and bars and thursday nights.

You say that my skin feels like no one else's, That it's different somehow. But I don't understand, isn't a hand just a hand?- Ingrid Michaelson (Masochist)
___________________________________________________


I sit across from him at a bar on a thursday night, and sip my vodka cranberry, wishing things didn't feel quite so awkward.

So you're ready to start teaching?

I try to create conversation, but it becomes more of a question and answer period:

yeah, I guess.

What are you teaching?

Political Communications.

Oh. That sounds fun.

yeah, I guess.

A prolonged silence- I down the rest of my beverage, smiling weakly,

Do you need another?

He nods in response, and I welcome my walk away from our table and up to the bar.

Two more,

I tell the bartender, looking around at how empty the place is.

Is it always like this on a thursday night?

He shrugs in response as he pours the beer and mixes my drink. The guy sitting at the bar beside me smiles at me, a big open smile that would be welcoming if he didn't look so awkward-

You're too pretty to be here by yourself,

And I raise an eyebrow, wondering if he actually thinks I'd be ordering two drinks for myself.

I'm not alone,

I motion back towards the table where he sits fiddling with his phone, and I can't help feeling the words are ironic, I might as well be alone.

Lucky man,

The guy laments as I walk away, careful not to spill beer on my feet, I slide into the booth to tell him about the guy at bar.

He looks back at him,

Yeah. He's always in here. Hits on everyone.

I don't know why his response bugs me, but it does, and we lapse into another silent period-

I'm so over this.

on something more.

"It's late in the evening, we should be sleeping right about now. I can hear you breathing, I wonder what you're thinking, right about now. You're eyes are fixed on me, you say I look lonely right about now. I said that lonely is an island I stayed a couple nights on, but never with you."- The Sound and the Fury (Valentines Present)
__________________________________________________

Can I tell you something dumb?

He leans in closer after he orders another round of shots at the bar. I smile lightly and nod, as he continues-

I thought we were going to go home together last night.

His boldness surprises me almost as much as the words do as I try to wrap my head around it, knowing it's not the way this should all be headed but giddy none the less.

I didn't know that's what you wanted,

I lament, as I clink my shot glass to his and down it in a single gulp.

He looks at me as he wraps his arm around my waist, lightly kissing me on the forehead.

I sigh not from the gesture, but because I know how lonely it will feel the next day when it's all over again.