on poise

does it scare you that I can be something different than you would it make you feel more comfortable if I wasn't you can't control me and you can't take away from me who I am.- Lifehouse (Quasimodo)
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You have the poise of a senator- you know you're very electable.

A small smile plays on my lips as I look at the boy across the small table from me. I take a sip of my tahitaian vanilla latte as I mule over the words he's told me. Senator huh? Everyone always tells me I was meant for big things. My mind flashes to different moments-

John Ross telling me how disappointed he is that I am staying in Springfield for college- that I'm capable of so much more.

Richard saying he always thought I'd do great things-

and now Colin, sitting across from me, suprised some how that I have "resigned to be a communications major."

I'll still do great things,

I argue. He doesn't seem to deny this, as he drinks his veggie smoothie. I still feel uneasy.

I mean, I'm sure I'll end up getting involved in politics in someway-

I halfheartedly suggest. Why do I always feel like i'm letting people down? I enjoy my evening sitting in a quaint coffee shop catching up with a old friend, but the uneasiness never goes away. What do you want? What can i do? Why can't people accept what I want? It's not everyone. But there's people- there's times when I feel like I must present myself in a particular manner, because I know what they think of me- what they'll think of they see me slip.

I am not perfect, but somehow I grasp to maintain some level of perfection in their eyes.

on #433

Believe me Natalie, listen Natalie, listen, this is your last chance- The Killers (Believe Me Natalie)
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I'm standing in the isle, the choices for colors surrounding me.

Add more blonde?

What about red?

I could always just be a brunette, again.

Feria, Herbal Essence, Garnier, Clairol, choices, choices. I need a change, and I need it now. I need to be noticed- I need something different, and this stupid bottle for 9.99 is the easiest quick fix I know of. I grab a shade that's numbered 433, and go to the counter. The lady smiles at me-

Going darker?

I smile back as I pull money out to pay her.

Just back to my natural color.

She wishes me luck and a good day, as I dart out the door.

A few hours later I'm fidgeting on the floor as my sister pushes the dye through my hair. It's being stubborn and she's afraid I'll end up with spots of blonde. My left leg has fallen asleep, i'm uncomfortable and I want the day to end. I woke up early this morning and couldn't get myself to get out of bed. I feel like nothing is ever going to be the same again- and I don't want that. I don't want the change, I don't want different, I was comfortable, happy, and normal. Is that too much to ask.

Wendy finishes up and tells me I have thirty minutes to waste. She heads to walmart, and I start to work on my paper for school. The semester is drawing to an end, and I'm ready and not ready all at once. I need time to breathe. I can't wait for Michigan. Time away from here, from every day. The thirty minutes is up before I know it.

I get in the shower and as the hot water pours over my hair the water at my feet is the deepest brown I've ever seen for water. It feels like my hair will never wash clear, and it finally does. I towel dry it, and force a smile at my reflection in the mirror. Sometimes you have to force change, because it's coming anyway.

on changes

And everybody wants to see you fall, That's why the always love to get you high, And everybody knows you need the pain so much, Lady, Well, keep in touch, Baby...- Ryan Adams (The Rescue Blues)
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I feel like everyone and everything around me is changing and moving at this unbelievable pace... and I'm running to catch up. It's really hard, though.

You know how you have those big changes in your life? This is one of those periods, for me. Only I'm not going anyway. I'll still be there. Still at the same job... same school... same life really. But everyone else, everyone I've known. The people that have been big in my life for the past few years... they're all leaving, they're all moving on. And I want to move on too, but it's a little scary to think about.

It makes me sad- because I don't feel like I appreciated them when I had them around, all the time. Roommates, friends, boyfriends- I'm losing (or have lost) all of them this spring, and it's going to make for a very odd summer, and a strange next year.

I'll still see some of you.. but the changes are already there. It's already different, and I'm not really comfortable with it yet.

Why can't I just be left alone?

on nothing

Someday our ocean will find it's shore.- Nick Drake (Time Has Told Me)
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I found a really pretty card, the other day. It has a flower on it, bright and vibrant, contrasting so sharply with the gray stone background. The inside says simply in small script "Nothing is Insignificant." I agree. I bought the card, and mailed it. What can I say? That's the way it goes sometimes.

I can be the bigger person.

on the morning after

If I'm gonna lose you.. I'm gonna lose you now for good.- Pete Yorn (Lose You, Music for the Morning After)
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Somehow what seemed logical at odd hours of the night, is not as logical anymore.

The anger drains with the darkness, and all I'm left with is bad morning hair, circles under my eyes, and dreary weather to perpetuate my incomparable mood.

I write the things I think, and people are afraid to say. That's what Tom told me once. He said that my writing allows people to see the way in which I view things, the thought process that goes into my actions. The insecurities. The happiness- the moments that mean nothing to anyone else, but something to me.

I'm tired of feeling so... out of it. I never deal with anything. I always try to be the bigger person. Or like to think that's what i'm trying to do. One month, and you'd think I'd be doing better, one month, and I know no one expects me to really be better yet. I thought I was. I joked to Swils-

I mean, he never even liked Wilco.

And that's when I finally get it: I can't move on, on my own. I can't do this alone- I can't be by myself. Does this make me a bad person? Does this make me less of an individual? Maybe. But by who's standard?

In the harsh light of day the morning after, I know what I always knew- and I think I'll keep that to myself.

Some thoughts, are better left unsaid.

on you

I want to scream fuck you Lucy, but the problem is I love you Lucy, so instead I'm a finish my drink, and have another, while you think about how you used to be my lover.- Atmosphere (Fuck You Lucy)
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Fuck you.

Fuck you, and everything that reminds me of you.

Fuck basketball.

Fuck Texas.

Fuck Atmosphere.

Fuck Debate.

Fuck it all.

Fuck. You want to know what? I'm not entirely sober right now, but this probably the most honest I've been about my feelings, in a long while as far as you are concerned. I can't do it anymore. I can't fucking be okay, and something remind me of you and get upset? I can't be in a good mood- and want to talk to you- and you fucking blow me off. I can't do this, I can't keep getting messed up- because you know what?

I don't believe you. I don't think you ever even cared about me. I don't think you ever liked me- I don't think you ever even fucking knew me. I don't think you meant it when you told me I was beautiful, and I don't think you meant it when you said you still want to be my friend. Fuck you. You want honest? You want me to not say something, unless I mean it? Then this is what I have to say: I can't be around you. I can't talk to you. Because that's all I want to do- all I want is to be around you, all I want is for you to tell me you love me, all I want is a hug and recognition. All I want is to flirt and talk and nothing to have changed. I want reassurance that I'm not just horribly fucked up and no one will ever want me. I feel like i'm walking on egg shells. I don't want to think about the ramifications of the things I say or do, because what if it means in the end, I don't get you? Only in the end, I don't get you anyway, do I? Maybe there's some twist I don't know about, but right now I don't think that's true. I want you in my life so much. I want things to have never changed. I want you to actually want to talk to me, instead of it to feel like some obligation. Don't do me any favors.

Fuck.

I need a new hobby.

on ease

Baby you’re the only one that’s ever known how, To make me wanna live like I wanna live now. The waiting is the hardest part. Every day you see one more card, You take it on faith, you take it to the heart. The waiting is the hardest part.- Tom Petty (Waiting)
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It's supposed to get easier, with time. Has it? I guess so. Easier in some ways, harder in others. I don't cry in the morning or at nigh anymore. I don't wish you ill will- I don't harness a hope that we'd one day get back together- but I can't seem to seperate myself from you. It's like in everything I do, there's this reminder.

I'm driving down the street, and the stupid car in front of me that's driving ridiculously slow, has a Texas license plate.

I'm surrounded by basketball, the mavericks, especially.

I change the channel, and it's the Astro's playing.

Ben goes to an Atmosphere concert.

Jose tells me tonight while we're closing that he's going to Dallas, next week.

Is the world trying to test me? To see if I can trudge through it all? Well, good job world. I can't. I can't do anything less, and I can't be anyone but me. It's not easy, it's hard. Everything reminds me of you. It's really annoying. Can't I just not think of you, can't I just not... care? That's really the problem- I still care. Whether I should or not... I do. How lame. Tom Petty was right damn it, waiting really is the hardest part. I'm waiting to move on... I really just need a push in the right direction. Perhaps that's what Cinco de Mayo can offer to me?

on moving on.

Am I the habit you're too tired to break? I want you to love me with every step you take. Dar Williams (Closer to Me)
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You're so out of my top five.

I wink and flick my card at the boy with the twinkling gray eyes.

Is that all it takes?

I shrug at his response, and turn back to Mary.

New Top Five: Zach, Tom, John, Romeo, and Dave.

We laugh, and giggle and I think to myself that I like just being in Springfield, and being at home, and working a lot and being around this group of people. It reminds me why I spend every summer so seperated from the debate world.

We have this new MIT, Edmundo, who has told me that I'm such a nice person- that I'm always so quiet at work, and that he bets outside of work I have this total attitude, the example he gave was-

So I bet your boyfriend gets you flowers and you're all "so?" "What? Does this mean something?"

He's a funny guy, Edmundo. He always tells everyone they're the "best".

I'm getting caught up in the 'Bee's and every day drags me further away from you. I've found my musical other and a fun group of people to go to "church" with. I start to think that I really have moved on from you- and then I walk through the door after working a double and ask Wendy for the mail. She pulls it out of her purse with a mischievious smile, and sitting on top is a small card addressed to me, from Texas. A graduation announcement. It slipped my mind- and you and all that's going on with you floods back to the front. I really hope things work out for you. I really hope we can be friends later on- and I really hope that I can move on. But for now, I'm back to where I was before.

I typed "I want you to break my heart, and be a jerk", and then deleted it realizing you've already done that. I need a new method to moving on.

Suggestions?

on first.... somethings.

There's one thing I want to say, so i'll be brave. You weren't what I wanted, I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over. I'm not sorry there's nothing to say."- Stars (Your Ex-Lover is Dead)
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Hey, Don't I know you from somewhere?

I turn to see a cute familiar face at the table beside me. I force a smile on my face and shrug.

I'm not sure...?

Did you go to Willard?

No...

Oh. Did you go to OTC?

No, I go to Missouri State. Sorry.

I walk off without another word, holding my aloof composure as best as I possibly can. Just act cool.

I walk straight across the room to where Josh is, grab my small cup of softserve, and take a huge bite.

I lied, I do hold a grudge.

Josh laughs at this.

I thought you did. I know you better then that, Natalie. But I didn't want to say anything.

I glower in the general direction of the boy across the room. What's his name? I can't even think of it. I think it's Danny. He's romanian, that much I remember. And when I was 15, he definitely broke my heart. There's something about that first "love"- first big crush that sticks with you. I didn't even think about it, or him- and then seeing him in the store tonight, just blew me away. 5 years have passed. He doesn't look any different- still has a boyish attractiveness to him. But I don't find myself swooning at the sight of him, like I did when I was 15 and working the register at CiCi's Pizza. What a first job.

I'm not sure what Danny is to me. A first something. First big heartbreak. What a shame. Seeing him makes me realize how much I've changed since I was an idealistic sophomore.

I get over my grudge some as the night goes on. Still, I can't believe he didn't remember me. We did work together for half a year. I'm humming along to the song on the radio as I get ready for my checkout, as he stands to leave. He looks at me-

I remember. You worked at CiCi's, right?

I swallow hard, and force that smile again.

Yeah.

He smiles again, and nods a goodbye to me.

I almost wish he hadn't remembered me.